2020 sure has been a weird one for us all and a year I know many of us cannot wait for it to be over. It has been a year of strangeness while finding my “new” normal, my “new” self but also an exciting year navigating life after cancer. I celebrated my one year being cancer free in September, I started a new job in August that I very much enjoy, my independence is back, I’ve been on a lot of fun adventures even durning this weird time we are in, I turned 30, created some special friendships, and I met a very special guy! Regardless of all the strangeness this last year has brought, I have a lot to be thankful for!
Despite all the ups, it has been challenging in more of a personal way for me.
Body Positivity – Throughout my life, I’ve always been pretty comfortable in my own skin. Comfortable with the way I looked and felt about myself and my body. Navigating through life after cancer and what all my body endured durning that time, I am re-learning to love my body again. Re-learning to be comfortable in my own skin. This body of mine is all new to me. It is not the same body I had before cancer. It is completely different. My body went through so much between the surgeries, many rounds of chemo, immunotherapy, the side effects, all sorts of different medication, prednisone (hated that time), dealing with menopause, and being on daily estrogen. My body has dealt with a lot and will continue to. I have battle scars that I am very proud of but is a change and something that I am working to embrace and love about my body. With menopause, it is rough dealing with it at my age and being forced to deal with it. Regardless, it was what I needed to do for myself and to be able to continue to live life. It has been challenging for me though and a struggle to get through it at times. It is not something I am comfortable talking about because it is hard for me to admit. I want to love my body and honestly, I should be proud of it and proud of what my body has overcome. Right now, it has been a struggle.
Through my journey of battling cancer, my body changed a lot. More than ever before. More than I really thought it would. My hair changed a few different times. My weight fluctuated a lot. I lost a lot of muscle. My ass became a flat pancake. Sizing of clothes changed quiet often. The way I looked at myself in the mirror changed multiple times. Now that I am past all of that and finding my “new” normal being 30, in menopause, and on estrogen daily, it’s a struggle. I was surgically forced into menopause. This past year, I have been experimenting which estrogen works best, which dosage works best, and how to navigate through the side effects of being in menopause. In some way, it has lowered my self confidence a bit. Being young, in menopause, it has been an adjustment. This is my life now and something I am learning to get through. I am working on having that positive mindset for it all. I am learning that time heels everything and things cannot happen over night. This is all still new to me and something I know I will eventually get use to and that my body will too.
I am working on regaining my confidence and learning the size of your clothing isn’t what matters the most. That stupid size should not make me feel less confident in myself. Eating right and staying active is extremely importable. However, when it comes to clothing, it is just a size. The most important thing is the way you feel in that outfit. For me, I try my best to remind myself that my body has gone through so much since August of 2017. It will continue going through changes as I navigate through menopause and through life. I am only a year into this journey and I am slowly learning I need to have a little patience. Cut myself some slack! And regardless, the size of my clothing is just a size. Being comfortable, cute, and feeling good in my clothes regardless of the size is what’s important. My body has been through so much and I need to allow my body to heal. Heal the right way and gain that confidence with my body that I know is there!
Doctor Update – This upcoming week is my 6 month follow up. This scan and doctors appointment has hit me the hardest thus far since being cancer free. I have had moments thinking about re-accuracies and thinking about all the what if’s. I’ve always been a positive thinking. Always look at the good in every situation. All looked at the glass half full. BUT, this has crossed my mind a lot recently. I know anyone out there no matter how far out you are from being a survivor, you have these thoughts. I still keep allowing the positivity out way the negative but it has been hard. It’s so easy to say all is good and all will be just fine. It freaks me out though. Scans and bloods work are 11/3 and my follow-up is 11/6. On top of these two appointments, I also have my 3 year colonoscopy on 11/9. Busy next 2 weeks for me but LET’S DO IT!
Regardless, life is good! Despite the challenges, the fear, the anxiety, the overthinking, I have a lot to be thankful for and a lot of exciting things happing in my life.
Update to come after the big appointments are completed!