Another round of chemo is checked off the list I never created for myself. Nor do I really want to have. All my cancer buddies out there, I know we did not raise our hands and say, “pick me” to have this, but we do and damn we are doing a great job. This isn’t how I pictured my life to be in my twenties, but I am learning to deal with it. Damn it sure is a journey. All I can say is, bye-bye tumor cells. Oh how bad I want this cancer gone, but also I just want to get a good grip of owning my cancer and not let it rule me, but for me to rule the cancer. Cancer is me and is a part of me and will continue to be, but it is not all of me. I am learning to live with my disease. Regardless, I am beating cancer in a way that I am just trying to live the best life I can and really enjoy it while dealing with so much unknown on the way. I say I am beating cancer not because I am NED, in remission, or cancer free…not sure if I will ever here those words, I am hopeful because regardless I am beating cancer the way I am wanting to and it is a learning game for sure!
Getting hit with the liver enzyme complication back in December, having a long standstill figuring that all out/still figuring it out, and getting back on chemo has really put things in perspective that I have FUCKING CANCER. For me, I am taking the time to own MY cancer and do what is best and right for me. I am the one who has to live with it physically and emotionally every day. It is hard and each day is a learning opportunity for me. No one else is in my head or body, it’s me. I am learning the things that may or may not be right for me. Finding my true limits. It is hard not being able to grab my keys and go for a simple drive by myself just to listen to music and get a treat on the way. I loved doing that and I know I will get back to doing that very soon. This is my life/body and I need to own it and learn how to live with it because I have stage IV metastatic colon cancer. Last year was a weird year for me. I not only dealt with battling for my life (I was very numb with the fact that I had cancer), but I was grieving the loss of my dad as well as being there for my loved ones because that is what I do and who I am. My dad and I had a very special relationship, I wish everyday he was by my side. My cancer just seemed like just a huge speed bump and something that I just needed to take on and hope to move on from it. I needed to put my big girl pants on and get it done. Survival mode to the extreme! I just needed to show up, get the chemo, and go back every other week until it was gone. In a way, I felt like a robot. News flash…not happening for me. BUT, I am learning to own it, live with it, and cope with it. I am HOPEFUL for the best…of course!
Side effects this round – Everyone poops, right? Let me just tell you about some exciting fun things I’ve dealt with during this journey especial this round. Just wondering, has anyone ever pooped (diarrhea) in the toilet while vomiting in the bathtub (gotta do what you have to do) and start to have a cold sweat/hot flash all at the same time? That is what happened to me! A couple of times. I also shit my pants as I was walking to the bathroom. Sad part, from where I was to where the bathroom was…….it was just a few steps away. Lol It happens to the best of us! With the situation of throwing up/pooping/sweats all at the same time – within a few hours I felt fine. On the plus side, I did not have to cancel my dinner plans that evening. Yay! Cancer is a very unpredictable situation. Annoying! Cancelling plans SUCK so much. It’s not fun and to be honest, it always makes me sad. It just does, because I would like to do whatever it was more than dealing with crummy side effects. I try not to let it bring me down, but it just does and that it okay. It is okay to feel your feelings and not push them aside, let it all out and move on when you can! At the end of the day, I have cancer and I am just doing the best I can day by day. It is a learning opportunity everyday for me to live with this disease. All I want to do is go back to a cancer free life. With the side effects and all the other crap that comes with cancer – I am really learning to dealing with this cancer life independently. Of course with the support from my cheerleaders! No one can do this alone! Support from family and friends is HUGE and very much needed. But, know support can mean a lot of different things to the person who is dealing with the cancer. Maybe ask the person who is going through it what exactly their needing at the moment are or maybe just do something for them without asking them. It’s hard on both ends to know what is the right thing to do or say – it works the same way as being the one battling this stupid thing. I don’t know what is the right thing to do or say either. It is a constant learning game and it can be so exhausting. My brain hurts a lot with all the thinking that goes on in it. It can be very emotionally braining and going out/spending time with your people can be so exhausting. Holding a conversation can be exhausting. But, I am getting there and finding my own journey along the way. Getting off the nasty medication helps too!
Liver update…things are looking great and improving! I am almost there to the point I can celebrated with a glass of champagne because I will soon be done with prednisone. I am officially on a taper schedule to get off this stuff. Poppin’ a bottle for sure! This stuff sucks and I have been on it way too long. Longer than I wanted to be, but it was needed and it has helped. I cannot wait to be off of it! Slow and steady wins the race is what my dear friend has been telling me from the start of this prednisone journey. It is so true…
I am slightly behind on posting. Another post will be up shortly because I have also completed round twenty-eight of chemo, that was on May 24th. Stay tuned for more on that round, more on my liver, more about my surgery (maybe, it’s happening just not sure when), and just whatever is on my mind. 🙂