This round has been a little difficult for me. Cancer is just horrible – it fucking sucks. I say this a lot because it really does. There is no easy way to put it or say it. It is the truth. Can I hear a AMEN! Lol One day you feel like you can concur the world and the other day, you feel so crappy that getting out of bed to just get some water can be sooo difficult.
With this round of chemo – my side effects have been acting up. After 28 rounds of treatment, this round I have throw up the most. The strange part, it started while I was on my pump. Damn you Peter the pump. So uncomfortable. I have been eating fine. Nothing I have been craving, but I have been making sure to keep something in my stomach no matter how long it lasted. I have had a lot of mucus back up that has been making my stomach so upset it has been caused me to throw up and following that, I would get cold chills right after led by a hot flash. Hopefully, you reading this isn’t making you gage a bit. Hahaha Sorry, but this is a part of the cancer life. When I went in to get my pump removed, I had a slight temperature (I did a little the night before) and chills while I was sitting there. I explained to the nurse what I was dealing with throughout the weekend leading up to coming in to get the pump off. She called the on call oncologist and they both felt it was best I went to the ER. So off I went for a handful of hours. UGH, but also thankful. It is always best to be safe than sorry and double check that things are okay! Thank goodness everything checked out fine and nothing weird was going on. Just a weird situation and I monitored my temperature after – it has been normal. Since, I have felt pretty okay – minus the slight neuropathy, slight mucus build up (getting better), stomach problems here/there, and the bone aches. I joke that I am 28, but my body a lot of the time feels like I am 82. Soon I will be joking I am 29, but my body feels like I am 92. Oops!
Liver update – I AM OFF OF PREDNISONE! As of Wednesday, June 5th. Could that day have come any sooner. I will be going in next week for labs to make sure my liver enzymes are still looking amazing and NORMAL. I am very happy that my body…my liver has bounced back the way it has. It has been a journey with this liver. With being off of this crap and no more chemo, I can focus on really getting my emotional well-being back on track, find me, and really get this body in fighting shape for surgery. I am wanting to kill this cancer so bad. Surgery is still not scheduled…will be soon!
Something I have been wanting to discuss – CHEMO BRAIN! It is a thing. It is real. It is not fun. Sometimes it is funny! Sometimes it is so annoying. The podcast I have been listening to touched on this because people this is real and I have times where I get frustrated with this. The podcast: “You, Me & and The Big C”. Something these ladies discussed was how you cannot fire off all cylinders – chemo brain SUCKS. I cannot fire off of all cylinders like I did pre-cancer and it is hard for me to wrap my head around. Takes me a little longer to make my mind up and I talk myself out of things I know I can easily do. I do this because I am worried and scared what will happen when I am out and about. Shitting your pants in public isn’t so fun, but feeling like crap in public sucks. Sometimes it can be embarrassing. I have never dealt with this feeling. Pre-cancer, I was living such an independent life and I enjoyed. Go and do whatever I felt like. Had no worries in the world getting in the car or just getting out of the house. Am I being dealt some type of a life lesson? I am 28 years old. Why am I going through this and why is anyone young going through this. No one should be dealing with cancer, but it hurts to know so many people around my age are getting diagnosed and getting diagnosed late. Back on the chemo brain topic, my mind works faster than my mouth at times and it makes me feel like I am stupid and I get irritated, but I love my cheerleaders who make me feel “normal” when I really feel a whole lot of I DON’T KNOW. Takes me a little longer to think before I can fully get the words out. Sometimes I feel like I am learning things over again and it is the weirdest/annoying thing ever. Put me back in kindergarten! Hahahaha It is a change for sure and a change I just need to deal with. Any pointers from my cancer buddies???
Isolation…it is real and it is painful to go through sometimes. Yes, I know I have a wonderful support team, my cheerleaders. Thankful for them all! BUT, I feel this and I know my cancer buddies do too. It just happens. Feeling alone in this journey can creep up on me and it can bring me down. I try so hard to not let this bug me, but it does and I also know it isn’t really true. I am not alone, but this life of having cancer, I feel isolated at times. Important note – FEEL YOUR FEELINGS! Move on from those feelings when YOU are ready to move on. Only you know! But, cry it out…scream it out…laugh it out…yell it out…write it down…punch a pillow if you have to!
For now, I am working on me and finding myself right now! You could say I am slightly lost…but I am find me. Surgery is still the next step for me, right now it is not scheduled at the moment. My team and I were waiting for me to get off of prednisone and give me a little time to recover from that. Get in fighting shape again! I am doing well for the most part. This little time-out with being off of prednisone and treatment will be nice. All is good!