It is hard for me to believe I have had eighteen rounds of chemo…Wow and it hasn’t been the same type this whole time. The first treatment I was on, my body stopped responding to it and tumors appeared after 9 treatments. Switched up treatment to something different and my body has been responding! Woohoo
Oh man it feels good! This treatment I have been on the last 9 rounds has been hard and difficult. Physically and mentally. But, knowing I am responding to the treatment, is amazing. This last round, side effects were neuropathy and mouth sores. I have not experienced neuropathy like I have the last two rounds. Not fun. It has been lasting for 3-4 day after chemo. My feet felt like they were sun burn and hurt to walk. My hands were red, peeling, and sore to the point it was hard to grip anything or even make a fist. Lots and lots of lotion. The mouth sores I got made it uncomfortable to chew. So I mostly stuck to liquids that were packed with all good things for your body because solid food wasn’t happening. At least for 1 day it was pretty bad. Other than that, feeling good! Plus it was cooler outside this round so that may have helped!
I feel like I need to be more real with you guys! Real about my feelings with my life outside of the hospital walls…I’ve talked a lot about everything, I guess. But, I feel like I need to be a little more raw, get more off my chest.
I am opening up with you guys on this post. Maybe I am using this post as a nice venting session about myself…I don’t know. We will see where this takes us. I do want you to know, I am speaking for myself and only myself. I don’t know if others who have or are battled cancer feel the same way…or if I am in my own world and maybe a little crazy. Lol…I don’t know.
BUT, let me talk about life in general when I am not in the hospital getting poked and getting pumped with grossness. Let’s talk about feelings, my feelings. Despite all the feelings I feel while battling cancer, I feel those feelings in everyday life too. I feel like your feeling hit you way harder when battling cancer. We all have feelings, but for me I feel like cancer enhances my feelings. What I mean is that I feel more sensitive at even the little things. I feel like I get disappointed easily, irritated easily, annoyed easily, frustrated easily, sad easily…I feel like the list can go on and on. Honestly, I am irritated that I let myself feel those things, but I remind myself I have cancer and I am going through so much and I am human and a lot of the time I just cannot control it.
With having cancer, being disappointed/irritated is big and can happen a lot. You get bad news about your scan or blood work….instant disappointment and irritation. With life outside of the hospital, I feel like I get disappointed easily when it comes to everyday life. What I mean is when things don’t go as planned. Shocker and…oh Audrey, that’s life! I know, but throw cancer into the mix, it really changes things. It changes things because your life is not the same like it was before cancer came into the picture. Plans to either meet up with someone or do something for myself, like a mani/pedi and it gets cancelled or something comes up…😭. Maybe it got cancelled because my unpredictable side effects or something came up on their end or maybe my end. It’s life, things happens and sometimes we cannot control it!!! We have to just roll with the punches. With me though, I feel too sensitive and I get to the point when it turns into me being disappointed at those moments because 1: I cannot control the situation and make it so it always works out 🙂 (I am a Virgo) and 2: All I want is to be able to enjoy life with the people I care about and do the things I love to do when I can. Now, I just explained something no one can really control because that is LIFE and it is, just life. But, when battling cancer, those moments when I am feeling good and I am out doing things that make me feel somewhat normal and makes me happy, I cherish those times and I just want more of those days. Not too much to ask, right? Lol And when those plans do not happen, I do get disappointed and I can get irritated…it is only because I just want to get out of the house and live a little! I just want this cancer to go bye bye.
I know what you are thinking though, Audrey everyone deals with those things with or without cancer. But, guys this is different…at least for me. Chemo can really put a damper of a lot of things, like living life how you want to live it. This chemo I have been on for the last 9 treatments has really hit me a lot differently than the first type of chemo I was on. Way more fatigued, stomach cramps and aches, diarrhea, my hair really thinning to the point I shaved it off (no regrets), neuropathy to my hands and feet, mouth sores, throwing up in the middle of the night, appetite is very different, losing more weight than the first treatment, the concept of eat doesn’t sound fun…unfortunately with this treatment I’ve had way more side effects then the first treatment I was on. The first type of chemo I had 9 rounds of that and I felt like I bounced back quick and I was able to do a lot more. This treatment I’ve been on, has me staying home more and resting.
Moral of my story here and like I have been saying…IT IS LIFE!!! Take it one day at a time and I just have to do the best I can. Push yourself a little more to get to the point of feeling good. Life is far from perfect, we (I) just need to make it the best we (I) can. I have always been a positive person. I have always looked at the good more than the bad with people and every day stuff. I have also always looked at the glass half full, never half empty. But, I am human, I have cancer, and I have those not so fun days. It happens! I just need to cherish and enjoy those good days when I am doing the things I love with the people I care about!
Side note – PLEASE do not take this the wrong way or be mad at me for saying this!!! 😁 I appreciate all the love and the support I get. It means so much. I just need to put this out there because I get asked this question A LOT. I mean A LOT. Honestly, it is not a question I like to be asked and it is not a question I like to answer.
Question: How many more treatments do you have?
Answer: I have no idea.
If I did, of course I would shout it out to the world because I would be so excited that I am officially done. But, I am not and I don’t know when that will be. I am staying positive because I know that day will come. I would though, appreciate that I don’t get asked that question. When I know, I will for sure write about it and share it with you all. Until that time, chemo keep shrinking those tumors. Please!
Chemo #19 is schedule today (8/9)! CT scan was completed on Tuesday (8/7) and the results are in. Drum roll please……………
MY TUMORS ARE SHRINKING!!! OMG, this treatment is working you guys. With all the shit you go through when battling cancer, get this kind of news is amazing!!!!!!!!!!
Cancer…you are messing with the wrong girl!