This last round was a little scary to say the least. The more chemo is put into my body, the more I am feeling it. It wipes your energy and all you want to do is sleep. Your appetite goes away for the most part. Your taste buds change and things start to sound not so good. The first 6 treatments were easier to cope with (still difficult), but as I am coming to the end of my treatment, it is getting harder and more difficult. It is taking a toll on my body.
Thursday, I had a reaction to the chemo. First time ever. I was only 15 minutes into my treatment when my neck/face turned red and became extremely hot. My palms became itchy and I started to get abdominal pain. It was so uncomfortable and scary. My aunt ran to get my nurse and multiple people came running. There were a couple of nurses, a doctor, and my pharmacist all around me doing all they can to stop the reaction I was having. They stopped the chemo right away and gave me steroids and Benadryl. I am very fortunate for the team I have at the hospital. The reaction started to go away as the steroids and Benadryl kicked in. My nurse wanted to wait 20 minutes before starting the chemo up. It was a very long day. When we got the okay from the doctor to start back up, the chemo was given to me very slowly so a reaction would not occur again. As time went on, they slowly ramped the chemo up. Luckily, I never had another reaction.
My doctor has always mentioned that around treatment 9 or 10, people usually get some type of reaction from this chemo or people can go through all 12 treatments feeling nothing. I am fortunate that the react occurred later on. I couldn’t image having a reaction during the 1st or 2nd treatment. Hopefully, that wont happen again. Moving forward they will probably give me the chemo slowly, which means I’ll be at the hospital longer. Ugh.
In regards to the biopsy I had Tuesday, we are still waiting for the results. I HATE THE WAITING GAME. Dealing with something like cancer, the waiting game is so emotional. You want to think positive, but it is hard not to think about all the negative options. Your mind fills up with some many possibilities, it’s hard to think happy thoughts sometimes. If this 2cm nodule comes back positive, there are two options. One option is radiation and the second option is surgery. I informed my doctor I would like surgery over radiation, but whatever kills this stupid cancer, I am game. But on the other hand, this small nodule could just be scar tissue. This Tuesday we should know. I am crossing my fingers and toes it is just scar tissue.
I would be lying to you guys if I told you I was fine. I am not fine, I am scared of the unknown. I am terrified. On the outside I may be keeping a positive attitude and say I am okay, but honestly I am worried, frightened, scared, emotional. I hate to say this, but there are people out there that battle cancer and don’t make it. But on the other hand, there are people who do. I believe I will win and cancer will lose, but it is also cancer. It is not a cold, stomach ache, or a sinus infection, it is cancer. It worries me. I am a fighter and I will fight to the end, but even though I have a positive attitude, I still worry and think the worse. It is hard not to. If this nodule comes back positive, it worries me if another nodule will eventually show up in another place. When I had my surgery originally, the tumor was perforated. It makes me think, is the chemo actually doing its job. I want to think it is, but why did a nodule all of a sudden show up? Why is the chemo not attacking it? Of course I have some questions for my doctor when he calls to tell me the news. I am still hoping and praying for the best. No matter what, my positive attitude will remain the same. That is not going anywhere, but in the back of my mind, I am worried and scared.
I would appreciate all the prayers I can get and happy thoughts. Cancer will not win, I will win this battle and when I do, I will be celebrating big with my family and friends who have stuck by me and have supported me through this journey. I know once I am cancer free, my life will not be the same. I will have annual doctor visits and check-ups, but it will be my life and I will make it a good one.
2 thoughts on “Round Nine…✔️”
Audrey…my beautiful darling Audrey. You are stronger and braver than you know. For you to admit you are truly scared of the unknown is a testament to your humble human nature. You have a right to be scared. You have a right to be angry, sad, fearful, anxious, empty, hurt, positive, negative and everything in between. Good grief, you darn well earned every single possible feeling! Nobody knows what you’re going through – every single person with any type of cancer has their own set of unique challenges and struggles that are different, even whilst they may be similar. This is what makes you special – this is the best and the worst part. The worst-the fact you are this precious soul that is just getting started in your life journey, it’s not fair. It’s not ok this has happened to you. The best-you have the opportunity to fight back. It may feel hopeless at times and exhausting, but you are a fighter. You are a positive being and GIRL, lemme tell ya – you are loaded with a supporting cast that IS praying for you and fighting for you. We would all do anything to make this go away, but God has a plan for you. He is taking care of you and when this treatment is over and you can look back at this struggle He has put you through, it will make sense. I know that is so hard to hold on to, but you are BRAVE. You will win this battle and the war. You are too young for this BS and you will put cancer in its place – in the past. Your future is so bright and beautiful things are ahead for you.
Let yourself feel every emotion, let it out knowing your ‘team’ loves you and is behind you every day, all day. You are already a winner my darling. You are just leaving your mark right now. You are loved, you are strong, you are beautiful and you are BRAVE. You are my hero.
Love you baby girl,
❤ Jennifer xoxoxoxo
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Your message is exactly what I needed! Thank you for all your love and support. It means so much and your encouraging words mean a lot to me. ❤️